Wanting to geaux home

CAUTION: This is a whiney post so if you're going to complain about it, then go away.

I. Want. To. Be. Home. It has taken me almost 5 months to establish what I thought the day I moved to California: I don't fit it. I don't care how nice people are, I don't care how beautiful the snowcapped mountains are, and I really don't care about what people who already live in California think about it here. Before you judge me or tell me how negative I am or whatever things you have to say, I want you to think about something: You were forced from your home. Not a personal decision, a decision that you had no say in. Now get thrown 25 hours from home. Now mix in a school with maybe 75-80 high schoolers, when the only thing you've known was thousands, and missing out on the two final years of high school. No prom. No football team. Nothing like you've ever known and loved for 16 years.

I'm not going to say "it's not fair" because "not fair" is the tsunami in Japan killing thousands. However, what I'm through just SUCKS. And what sucks the most is that there is no one there to understand me. And when people attempt to tell me they understand, it makes me angry. Like when my dad died, and people who have never lost a parent tried to tell me "I understand", it took everything in me to say "Thanks" and not freak out. No one quite gets how I feel about this place, much like they didn't understand about my dad.

I'm blessed beyond belief, and please don't think I'm not thankful, because I am. I have a family and a home and a car and so much more that lots of people can't say they have, but please understand this is not the life I would ever choose for myself. What I don't have is my brothers. What I don't have are my best, lifelong friends. I don't have my high school or my picture perfect like I had always imagined and hoped for. In 10 weeks, I go home and plan on spending every second I can, with my friends and family. Those are the good memories I'll remember. What I hope not to remember are the endless nights I spend alone, skyping with my friends back home.

Everyday I wake up, go to school with no make-up and a messy bun, but a smile intact. Why? Because when I moved here, I was very negative about California and people were mad. So I stopped being a whiner but that wasn't good enough. When I would mention Louisiana, people always had a comment. People always have comments. I do not need your comments. I do not need to listen to you make fun of my accent or about the food we eat. I do not need to hear the fun things to do "down the hill".  I do not need pressure to accept this place. What I need is a Nona's wedding cake sno-cone in my left hand and a Sam's pretzel in my right, sitting in Melissa's Nissan with Mkay and Morgan in the back, blaring tunes classy ladies shouldn't listen to. What I need is to act upon creeping urges at 1 in the morning and hop in Melissa's sister's Mazda and ride around for hours. What I need is hearing my godson saying "Nanny" for the first time. I need home. This is not home. This, my friends, is a detour to Happy.


Love and Creep,
Jess

PS I'm leaving you with a few pictures that should show you why I loved home so much