I feel the need

I've been working really hard for the past 25 days. I've basically moved into the gym and disconnected myself from my social life. I've sacrificed my spring break and the upcoming last few months of my 11th grade year to becoming healthy. Skinny, yeah. Heathy, heck yeah. 


When my dad passed away suddenly at a very young age, his autopsy told us he atherosclerosis, which is just a fancy word for extreme clogged arteries, and also a fancy word for genetic heart disease. My great grandfather passed away at 52, my grandpa at 48, and my dad at 50, which leaves this generational curse to me and my brothers. Well, as soon as my dad died, my brothers decided this curse wasn't going to get to them and cut out the foods that would cause this disease to act up. The stubborn me wasn't having it. My diet didn't change a bit and these unhealthy habits stuck with me...

..Fast forward a year and a half later. I, a pudgy teenager, was thrust into the world of peer pressured salads and bikini ready bods.. I hated croutons and was all 'bout dat one piece. I found myself uncomfortable with everything about me, and it got to the point where looking into a mirror was an avoidance. I gradually stopped caring about what I looked like and make-up became the lowest thing on my priority list. I don't really remember my breaking point. I don't remember what broke the camel's back, but I needed to do it. I refused to starve myself or any other drastic thing. I can honestly say I am literally working my butt off the right way. It's been 25 days and I've lost 13 pounds. Maybe more, but my other dad, my awesome step-dad, hid the scale from me because I was becoming obsessed (I literally weighed myself every time I peed). I'm on the right track to confidence.

I remember swimming with my friends and giving excuses like "I sunburn REALLY easy" when I'd keep my shirt on to swim and then would leave before night swimming began. Or when my friends would invite me to go shopping, I'd say my mom said no, but I never asked her, knowing she'd tell me yes. I lost memories that I can't get back. I lost confidence. I lost more than I probably know.. but I think it's about time I get it back.

I don't think people will agree with the fact that I'm giving up a few months of my junior year to do this. I think some of the more selfish people will think that it's pretty stupid, but come June, all them can SUCK IT. Yes, I said "suck it". I'm a classy-a lady who said SUCK IT. I won't ever be a model. I probably won't ever be 110% content with myself. But! I will be happy. I'll enjoy the health God's giving me and I refuse to turn back to those selfish ways. I think I'm making the blog to hold me accountable. So when I want that fatty, delicious pretzel, I won't eat it cause I told the WWW that I'm gonna get healthy! I don' want to weigh 85 and be able to see my ribs. I still want boobs and my redonk donk. I just want to be healthy and have that.  This blog is pretty embarrassing and I don't even know if I want to post it, but I will. I need to.

I have more to say though:

There's something I need to say. I feel the need to say, girls, you may never be size 0 like your best friend. You might never get those cute little back dimples like your cousin. You may never have washboard abs or mile long legs like that girl in your PE class because it's just not in your genetics! You know what you will have?  Knowing who you are. You've heard it a BILLION times. "Be happy with you are.." blah blah blah bull. I'm not happy with the way I look at all. But I know I'm pretty hilarious (not bragging, I just need a self pep talk.. we all need them, douches). I know I find the beauty in everyone I meet. I know I have preconceived ideas of people, but don't finalize them until I know them. I know that I have the best friends in the WORLD who love thick Jess and a friendboy who makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the world. What I'm doing now, all my hard work, is so that the way these wonderful people feel about me matches the way I feel about me. I'm not doing it for them. I'm being selfish and doing this for me! Everyone needs there time in life to do something for them and this is my time. I want to look in the mirror and be like, "Zaaaaam" and be the first one in a bathing suit for night swimming at Mel's. I want to be the same Jessie.. in smaller pants.

Like I said, this is really embarrassing, but I feel the need to tell the world why I've been incognito, why my phone is never answered, and why my iPod has to be charged every night cause the battery is dead after every workout.

I will be skinny healthy.

...And I will watch this and think this is for me when I get there.

Love & Creep,

Jess